When you first find yourself as a single parent, there is a lot of change to cope with. You are struggling with your new reality – a reality where you are alone in raising your children or struggling to manage co-parenting while adjusting to your new situation.
The aftermath of a huge life adjustment such as this can leave you feeling a million different emotions – angry, overwhelmed, sad, guilty, frustrated – how does anyone pick up the pieces after the destruction and build something positive from it?
On the other hand, you may be feeling relieved and hopeful. Although the life you have known has been fractured – you are ready to pick up those broken pieces and turn them into something beautiful.
It isn’t easy, but coping with this new change will be a time of self-reflection and starting anew.
“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”
Arnold Bennett
Reach out for support
Don’t be afraid to reach out to family, friends, and neighbors for support during this time. Having a shoulder to lean on can take some of the weight off of your own shoulders.
If those are not people you feel like you can lean on during this time – try to reach out to parents in your children’s classroom or daycare center. They are likely people you will see often and may be able to offer you help (babysitting, carpooling, etc.) and comfort.
Joining a support group, like the ReStart program (offered by Single Parent Support Network), is a great way to meet other single parents who you can share ideas, guidance, and experiences with.
Take it step by step
You may feel like you need to rush this process, the pain causes you to want to jump into the next step right away. Although change and a fresh start can be positive – don’t expect everything to happen all at once – it will put immense pressure on you and your family.
In the early days, know that there is a lot you don’t really need rush into. Make big decisions, like moving house, when things are more clear for you.
Focus on what is in your control
There are going to be things during this time you can’t control – what is going on with your child when they are with your former partner, your former partner dating again, is your child going to be dealing with difficulties with their peers as a result of these situations, etc.
However, you can control whether or not the people around you understand your expectations. You can control whether or not you give them the opportunity to meet these expectations. And more than that, you can control how you act in these difficult situations.
Save the energy you would be spending worrying, and focus it into being a positive influence for your child and former partner.
Practice self-love
In a time where more than ever before, you are probably feeling low, it is so important to practice self-love.
Between feelings of stress and guilt, it easy to start to blame yourself – but this was not your fault. Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we expect it too and how you move on with be the biggest test of your character.
Take some “me” time and celebrate yourself, your accomplishments, and acknowledge the progress you have made – you deserve it!
Think positive thoughts of the future
This is a time to start fresh. When thinking of the future, dream of a life you want to have, and the things you want to be. Set measurable goals, and be a positive influence on your children.
Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
If you are feeling fear that you might not be able to do this, or if you are fearing rejection – that is normal. You are not alone as you face these feelings. But always keep in mind that these are feelings. You are picking up the pieces right now and you CAN do this by taking one step at a time. We all parent out of our own understanding. We are limited if we don’t seek to learn or understand. Isn’t that why we are all here? We care enough to gain more insight into being a better parent and finding it more satisfying for ourselves and our children.
Maybe you’ve had more failures than successes. Then it is time for a clean slate.
